Two Years...

My mom died two years ago as of today. After a five year battle with cancer, she passed away in my arms. My heart broke into a million different pieces that day. Some pieces still need to be repaired: my heart is not fully put back together. I do not know if it will ever be.

I would give a whole lot to call her up on the phone. I would give a whole lot to sit by our front window and sip on Diet Coke. I would give a whole lot to drive in the mountains with her. And I would give a whole lot to have another dance party in our kitchen as we sang along with the Beatles.

Before I knew the Lord, I used to ask “Why do bad things happen to good people?” When my mom was first diagnosed with cancer, I was twelve & I wrestled even harder with this question. I did not believe a “good God” would allow my single mother to have cancer. It is just not fair.

In some ways, I have no clue why my mom died. I have no clue why I had to be 17 and not 47. I have no clue why she was given as long on this earth as she was, either. She outlived multiple time diagnoses. I have no idea why I was given such a loving and caring mother who made me more selfless and strong than I was on my own.

I do not have all the answers of the ways this world breaks our hearts. But, I know I am not the only one that has their heart broken. It produces questions, and we begin to wrestle. That wrestle is good! It makes us ask questions that a person needs to ask themselves. (Like, What do I believe? What is after this life? What is my purpose on this Earth? Why was I created?) This wrestle reflects holocaust survivor Elie Wiesel’s heart when he says, “No heart is as whole as a broken heart, and no faith is as solid as a wounded faith."

In the trials, we ask “Why do bad things happen to us?” And yet, I think what we are really saying is “I did not think God worked like this. God is different than who I thought He was.” This rings true in my life. I did not think a good God would allow my mother to die before I even graduated high school. Yet, that was because I did not know God. I knew an image of God- not his full character. The pain and suffering of this world allowed me to know God- not a false god that was in my head.

For this, I have seen God as my father in a way that I truly did not before. When I asked the question why do bad things happen, I was lacking understanding in God’s character and focusing inward on myself instead of Him…. I still have questions and in some ways I am just as broken as I was two years ago.

Sometimes we do not know how God is going to move. I imagine the disciples after Jesus died. They begin to grieve and probably question everything… Even through Jesus told them that he would rise again, I could understand the confusion they must have felt. When God works in ways we can not understand, we have to remember this in not the end of the story. We are in the midst of trials so we can not see how God will use even this for good.

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.”

-2 Corinthians 1:3-5

Love,

Brooke